Self Love Doesn't Come Easy
"You will never be good enough" I believed this phrase for years. *TRIGGER WARNING*
This blog post is really personal but I feel like it's time I be more vulnerable about why I am so passionate about self love. Until I was 27 and just about 2 years into my motherhood journey, I hated my body. I hated every single thing about my appearance from my skin, body imperfections to even the way I carried myself. I would cry constantly because of my large pores, acne, stretch marks and cellulite.
I've been doing so good mentally until the last few weeks, which is one reason you've seen me a little less on social media. The trauma of my self image issues surfaced and I've been working through them as gracefully as possible. I've had to delve deep into self care to prevent myself from spiraling to a dark place I never want to experience again.
You may see me on Instagram smiling and loving the woman I have become in recent months, but it wasn't always that way. I remember vividly being put on a low carb diet before I even left elementary school because I weighed over 100 lbs and it wasn't acceptable. At one point I began to weigh more than my stepmother who was essentially a spaghetti noodle and was shamed for it, even laughed at. At one point in middle school I resorted to forcing myself to throw up everything I ate for weeks. I was bulimic and this is the first time I'm putting this into words. While bulimia was a short phase of my experience with eating disorders, I became orthorexic over time, someone completely obsessed with diet fads and unhealthy eating habits. In terms of diets if you've heard of it, I've tried it and let me tell you, diets don't fucking work.
At a young age, I was made to feel like my body image was directly connected to my self worth, whether that was intentional or not by the role models I had growing up. I heard every woman around me nit pick their body, grab their fat on their stomachs and wish it away. My inner child began connecting my physical image to my self worth and that carried well into my adulthood. I began to crave hearing positive comments about losing weight and the second those praises stopped, I questioned my self worth and would immediately start the next diet trend. If someone took a photo of me and I felt I looked fat, I would beg them to delete it and cry if they didn't. I became a super unhealthy individual mentally and physically.
It wasn't until I began a healthy relationship with food and changed my mindset that I began unraveling the trauma and recovering from years of unhealthy messages. I no longer see calories or fat content when I eat, instead I see micro-nutrients and how it will improve my health. I no longer worry about my weight or weigh myself daily, instead I focus on how I feel and know there will be days when I don't feel my best and THAT'S OKAY. I no longer buy baggy clothes to hide the parts of my body I don't like, instead I buy the styles I love and rock them no matter what. I no longer allow someone to tell me I'm not good enough, instead I recognize they aren't my tribe and move on. I no longer view physical activity as punishment for what I ate, but instead as thanking my body for all the movement it is capable of and carrying me another day.
I've chosen to be vulnerable and share more about my story because I know there's other women out there who have been down similar roads. I never want my daughter or any other female to feel the way I felt for years. I never want Olivia to look in the mirror and see less than perfection. I am grateful for the body positive movement that is sweeping our country and that being your authentic self is more valued, but we still have a long way to go. We need to stand together and continue pushing our message to this world. There is nothing wrong with your body or who you are, but there is a lot wrong with the messages we are told to convince us otherwise.
Until the stigma is gone, ladies, repeat after me:"I am worthy, I am beautiful, I am ENOUGH"